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Mastodon meta / lightly touching my own experiences. (trauma) 

I'm on the verge of tears, and I'm not even involved with the stuff that's been coming out over the past day or two.

Just watching people having to go through the same conversations with Gargron/Eugen (Mastodon's creator) again, and all my trauma is just resurfacing.

I used to work with Eugen, I thought I could be some kind of conduit to help him listen to and understand the community's concerns, you know the communities that needs the most protection, not the facists.

I'm not going to pretend that I knew what I was doing, or was even near perfect when I did that work. There was so many things I didn't understand yet, for example about harassment, racism and especially anti-blackness. About micro-agressions and so so much more.
I've been on here since april 2017, and I've always cared for this community. And yes, there are so many different aspects and communities on here. How do I delineat who I'm talking about? I'm talking about the people who came to mastodon because of the tagline
"Like Twitter but no Nazis". I'm talking about you.

I don't remember the actual wording anymore, but once there was a joinmastodon, which we also had to push hard to even get, it was right there "No Nazis.

Now we're sitting here, and watching Gargron wring his hands about .art silencing his server because, he is still actively federating with servers that has known facists on it. How did we get here? I honestly don't know.

His server which we already know has grown all too big years ago, and he keeps pushing moderators away, or not paying them enough for their work when they are the sole moderators.
Apparently he's currently the sole moderator, and this has made him an expert in moderation needs, and this is why we have the new report system which is absolute trash. Screenshot attached.

Every thing we hear, it's always worse, it's always the tip of the ice berg. And yeh, I know I'm mentioning recent stuff and not only my own experiences. The issues is, when I start talking about my experiences, the ones that particularly affect me I get physically ill. But I'm going to copy paste some of the inefficiently described things I explained to a friend today. So please bear with me.

@OCRbot

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My life contains multitudes 

Let me tell you about some recent examples of this, mostly because they are fun to share and kind of surprised me too.

My experience working with dogs, while I've never done it in any professional settings, and always ended up doing it while I was on long term sick leave, or should be but the system is fucked up, I still managed to get a lot of experience through the years me and my mom had our first dog.

She was first my mom's dog, then later my dog, for various reasons, but basically she'd been at my place for a week while I was home from work because I had burned out (this was my first official burnout, at 19 years old). When that week was up, over the phone with my mom I started crying and asked if she could stay. I didn't want her to leave, because her by my side was so uplifting while I was feeling so so terrible. And she helped me leave the house, she'd cuddle with me etc. I had someone else than myself to focus on. This must've been early 2006.

So she stayed, and became mine, helped me slowly with through my burnout. It was my first burnout, but definitely not my last over the next 3 years, as the system kept forcing me back out to work. The one constant was this dog by my side.

My mom was also on longterm sick leave because of an accident in my teenage years, and because Sweden had done away what was called disability pension (sjukpensionär), basically when they recognize that you are too disabled to go back into the workforce ever again, so she was just along me with long term sick leave, unable to work without getting really sick again.

We'd go out in the snow with the dogs in the early morning, the white snow making it much brighter than it actually was. I hated that she dragged me out of bed before 8am, but she told me that I could rest again when I got home, and I'm grateful that she did that then. I'd come home and nap with the dog in bed.

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Writing with adhd, brain fog and other disabilities 

It will always vary from person to person, so I can only relay my own experiences.

Recently, no, over quite a while I've found that I can write long threads about things that I'm thinking about, but I have a big problem with sitting down and writing that article or blog post that I've been wanting to get out of my head, so here I am trying something half new.

For a while I did this on my previous account, the one I moved from to here, but eventually my adhd brain caught up to my tricks and wouldn't let me draft a blog post in toots. Yet in trying it again, maybe it'll go better this time, maybe it won't.

Some threads will be turned into works of progress, while others will be finished in one sitting before I post it here, and then move it over to blog to be immortalized.

Do I wish this would also be more connected to the fediverse? Yes, a little bit, but it's okay. I also wouldn't want 100,000 automatic posts to our precious space. Like how Facebook and Twitter changed over the years, but I digress.

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Covid-19, ableism, death, and apparently a poem 

I feel like a prepper, when I tell my friends that I'm still shielding, that is not safe to go out without a mask.

They respond by telling me that they are following the governments guidelines.
I know and that's a part of the problem.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs "that isn't enough!",

All of us who are at risk of getting more sick if we catch covid,
or who caught covid
and now have long-covid,
or those of us who caught it
and died,
our screams go unheard
we are now part of the millions missing.

I was screaming at my mom when we finally called
I was so angry, and so sad,
all at the same time.
I was screaming at her,
even though I knew I wasn't angry at her.
I was finally letting it out, all the bottled up pain and fear I've been carrying now for nearly two years.

I feel like I'm the boy crying wolf
when I'm asking them to wear a mask around me,
or I explain that no I've not been back home yet.
Yes, I moved over two years ago.
No, the pandemic isn't over.

How do I tell you that it's not safe
when the government bodies we're taught to trust
are telling us you can go out again.
You can see your friends and have a drink in a closed bar.
You can fly without a mask, in a closed air tank, 10 thousand feet off the ground.
Up there where you're just circulating every little drop of air.

I just watch on in despair, as they throw off their masks and cheer, on that very same plane.

This wasn't meant to be a poem,
But I'm just screaming,
Every day, inside,
The pain is so intense, I just want you to understand.

I want you to understand that wearing a mask will still save lives.
I want you to understand that I can't go out.
I want you to understand the burden we have to carry,
when you head back out excited to share the air with people who don't need to take tests anymore.
That every day watching you, it hurts us.
It hurts us because our babies catch covid and the old and immunocompromized we care for catch covid, because you stopped wearing a mask.
Because the government said so.

I'm the mad one.

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My Writing Acc Intro, probably long because we got 5k characters here (oh mi god) 

An

I am a writer of some variety, but I'm also a spoonie, due to , so how I write and when I publish is highly correlated to amount of spoons and executive spoons.

doesn't help with my "trouble focusing", but the meds help with the ADHD, sometimes.

My plan for this account, will be to draft some longer pieces over time, where I add a section here and there, similar to what I recently did over on my main account where I was writing out bits and pieces about Whiteness and Anti-racism.
rage.love/@maloki/108211418194
I don't expect I'll be writing 5k characters at the time when I do this here, but I do hope I'll be writing some shorter bits at the time, and then I can continue and pick it up.

That's why in a few days after I've sent out this introduction, the account will be locked, but follow requests might be accepted. I don't know on which basis yet.

And I tend to post to so I'll probably continue doing that going forward.

Show thread

I don't only write, I read a lot too!

If you wanna follow me or be friends on TheStoryGraph you can find me here:
app.thestorygraph.com/profile/

Congrats! You wrote Words in November! 

Congrats everyone who did any writing whatsoever in November!

I'm so incredibly proud of you.

The Nanowrimo 50k is as arbitrary as the 10k steps / day, it's just a number taken out of thin air.

You have to do things according to yourself and your own ability.

If you over-extended yourself, try to give yoruself the kindness of some rest, and maybe still keep up the habit with a few words here and there, to not take a complete break (unless that's exactly what you need, your body will tell you.)

Tomorrow starts a new month, but you're in luck! The Writing Treat's regular weekly day is Thursday!

So you'll be able to hang out tomorrow morning again! (in about 7hrs and change)

See you then!

closed the room a bit early today.

Good session all around.

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I wrote this during one of our first Writing Treat sessions, then I completely forgot about trying to publish it!

Just me being me, opening the room early!

Come hang out, get some last minutes writing in for NanoWrimo, make some new friends, you know the drilL!

It's a video chat, but you don't need video nor mic, youcan just type as well.

See you there

meet.jit.si/TheWritingTreat

Writing Treat tomorrow morning because it's Sunday!

Second to last of this month, where we've been doing 3 sessions every week. Which has been both lovely and exhausting!

I'm hoping to ask you some questions about this month on Monday, so we can review the month on Tuesday, and see what we can do for the coming months.

If you have anything you'd like to contribute to the Writing Treat, like hosting one session a week in other time zones next month, or anything else, let me know!

See you in 11hrs for some writing and chatting!

Also, remember our room isn't only for writing!

Anything you want company while doing today for two hours is more than welcome! We usually have a few focus sessions through the meeting.

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I might not be in on time, but I'm just sitting in a hot shower drafting in my notes to self on Signal. 😅

I call this a win! I'll see you soon.

Post publishing emptiness 

Maybe I can just enjoy sitting in the silence for a bit today. Which is a cool use of focus sessions.

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Post publishing emptiness 

I poured a lot into that essay about content warnings, and then I knew that this morning I'd be sitting down to join the Writing Treat chat room, and I'd be "needing" to write again. I couldn't not attend because I'm today's host.

After hittign publish last night though, I'm just so empty. Not tired and exhausted necessarily, but there's no words ready to flow out yet.

Yes there are ideas, ponderances in my head, floating around, but it's not cohesive enough. It's like molecules, floating around, but not enough of them yet to form anything tangible.

I know that's okay, I know it's part of the process too, it just feels extra strange today.

You can read my

About Content Warnings on Mastodon—Energy Management from a Spoonie Perspective

now, and here's the friend link (so anyone can read it)!

maloki.medium.com/on-content-w

In about 1h 15min it's Writing Treat time again!

How's your going? Or just your writing this month?

I hope to see you there.

I will publish my Content Warning essay in medium later today, but in the meanwhile to hold you over, there's a GOOD section about content warnings in this essay about scraping mastodon.

maloki.medium.com/on-scraping-

If you want to read any of my more chill writing, I do have a gaming block that I've been unable to update this year, but last year I discovered for the first time!

You can start with the:
Allow New Players Time To Be Noobs in Minecraft!

kinkymal.se/2021/09/19/allow-n

Me: I need to rest my head
Also me: I want to write!! All the things!!

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Write Out

A small instance for writers.

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