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My life contains multitudes 

Let me tell you about some recent examples of this, mostly because they are fun to share and kind of surprised me too.

My experience working with dogs, while I've never done it in any professional settings, and always ended up doing it while I was on long term sick leave, or should be but the system is fucked up, I still managed to get a lot of experience through the years me and my mom had our first dog.

She was first my mom's dog, then later my dog, for various reasons, but basically she'd been at my place for a week while I was home from work because I had burned out (this was my first official burnout, at 19 years old). When that week was up, over the phone with my mom I started crying and asked if she could stay. I didn't want her to leave, because her by my side was so uplifting while I was feeling so so terrible. And she helped me leave the house, she'd cuddle with me etc. I had someone else than myself to focus on. This must've been early 2006.

So she stayed, and became mine, helped me slowly with through my burnout. It was my first burnout, but definitely not my last over the next 3 years, as the system kept forcing me back out to work. The one constant was this dog by my side.

My mom was also on longterm sick leave because of an accident in my teenage years, and because Sweden had done away what was called disability pension (sjukpensionär), basically when they recognize that you are too disabled to go back into the workforce ever again, so she was just along me with long term sick leave, unable to work without getting really sick again.

We'd go out in the snow with the dogs in the early morning, the white snow making it much brighter than it actually was. I hated that she dragged me out of bed before 8am, but she told me that I could rest again when I got home, and I'm grateful that she did that then. I'd come home and nap with the dog in bed.

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Writing with adhd, brain fog and other disabilities 

It will always vary from person to person, so I can only relay my own experiences.

Recently, no, over quite a while I've found that I can write long threads about things that I'm thinking about, but I have a big problem with sitting down and writing that article or blog post that I've been wanting to get out of my head, so here I am trying something half new.

For a while I did this on my previous account, the one I moved from to here, but eventually my adhd brain caught up to my tricks and wouldn't let me draft a blog post in toots. Yet in trying it again, maybe it'll go better this time, maybe it won't.

Some threads will be turned into works of progress, while others will be finished in one sitting before I post it here, and then move it over to blog to be immortalized.

Do I wish this would also be more connected to the fediverse? Yes, a little bit, but it's okay. I also wouldn't want 100,000 automatic posts to our precious space. Like how Facebook and Twitter changed over the years, but I digress.

Pinned post

Covid-19, ableism, death, and apparently a poem 

I feel like a prepper, when I tell my friends that I'm still shielding, that is not safe to go out without a mask.

They respond by telling me that they are following the governments guidelines.
I know and that's a part of the problem.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs "that isn't enough!",

All of us who are at risk of getting more sick if we catch covid,
or who caught covid
and now have long-covid,
or those of us who caught it
and died,
our screams go unheard
we are now part of the millions missing.

I was screaming at my mom when we finally called
I was so angry, and so sad,
all at the same time.
I was screaming at her,
even though I knew I wasn't angry at her.
I was finally letting it out, all the bottled up pain and fear I've been carrying now for nearly two years.

I feel like I'm the boy crying wolf
when I'm asking them to wear a mask around me,
or I explain that no I've not been back home yet.
Yes, I moved over two years ago.
No, the pandemic isn't over.

How do I tell you that it's not safe
when the government bodies we're taught to trust
are telling us you can go out again.
You can see your friends and have a drink in a closed bar.
You can fly without a mask, in a closed air tank, 10 thousand feet off the ground.
Up there where you're just circulating every little drop of air.

I just watch on in despair, as they throw off their masks and cheer, on that very same plane.

This wasn't meant to be a poem,
But I'm just screaming,
Every day, inside,
The pain is so intense, I just want you to understand.

I want you to understand that wearing a mask will still save lives.
I want you to understand that I can't go out.
I want you to understand the burden we have to carry,
when you head back out excited to share the air with people who don't need to take tests anymore.
That every day watching you, it hurts us.
It hurts us because our babies catch covid and the old and immunocompromized we care for catch covid, because you stopped wearing a mask.
Because the government said so.

I'm the mad one.

Pinned post

My Writing Acc Intro, probably long because we got 5k characters here (oh mi god) 

An

I am a writer of some variety, but I'm also a spoonie, due to , so how I write and when I publish is highly correlated to amount of spoons and executive spoons.

doesn't help with my "trouble focusing", but the meds help with the ADHD, sometimes.

My plan for this account, will be to draft some longer pieces over time, where I add a section here and there, similar to what I recently did over on my main account where I was writing out bits and pieces about Whiteness and Anti-racism.
rage.love/@maloki/108211418194
I don't expect I'll be writing 5k characters at the time when I do this here, but I do hope I'll be writing some shorter bits at the time, and then I can continue and pick it up.

That's why in a few days after I've sent out this introduction, the account will be locked, but follow requests might be accepted. I don't know on which basis yet.

And I tend to post to so I'll probably continue doing that going forward.

Show thread

On leaving Twitter 

Let me begin by saying: I know not everyone feel like they can leave Twitter. There are so many reasons for feeling that way. And I think it's completely valid.

For myself however, it was the end of the line when the new TOS got announced, which made it clear that harassers and bigots are getting few reign. And yeah, I know some of my friends are like "but wasn't Elon Musk worth leaving over?" or "I left long ago already", which is valid too, and, yeah, I've felt like this for a while, this isn't new. And not necessarily the last straw either. It was just time for me now. The right time.

I've been on Mastodon for 5 years, and any time I go back on Twitter because of the way the algorithm works I'm invisible. Or at least nearly. The difference is so big.

Mostly because how I feel about Mastodon and the fediverse is very reminiscent of how I felt on Twitter in the early days, I was coming up on my 13th anniversary after all. And maybe it's something that will keep happening. The atmosphere, the algorithm or the lack there of will change, the community will change.

I took my time to make sure that I had contact with people I wanted to be able to talk with elsewhere. My specific set of disabilities meant that this took me a while, and I did feel more urgency from the coming TOS change to leave before it. I dunno how many times I, and many with me, have wanted to leave places because TOS changes but haven't because we feel stuck, feel forced to be able to continue talking with friends or family, stay connected with certain communities because they only exist there.

I recognize that it wasn't the right time for you to leave yet, and that's okay.

Creators who work with characters and stories: Do you have an active inner voice (self-talk, internal criticism and such), and do your fictional characters often seem to have a will of their own (argue with you, won't follow your plan)?

Just journal things.

Added River into the journal I've had since my last major burnout. And can still use because my particular type of adhd, and the structure of the calendar in it.

Day suggestions for leaving Twitter together on the same day next week.

Multiple choice, because you can choose what is best for you. Starting from a week from today.

3 day vote. Turn on notifications for poll results if you want to see the results afterwards.

Show thread

Microfic: The Summoner 

"Are you sure you don't do pet summonings?" asked a woman with pink hair. "I'd really like a kitten."

The Summoner glanced from her to a sign on the office wall that read: 'Summoning services for eldritch beings and electronic appliances only--no pets, lovers, or dimensional portals.'

"Pet summoning is a delicate art, best left to professionals." Sparkling light gathered around the Summoner's hand and coalesced into a card for the local Humane Society. They handed the card to the would-have-been client. "Give them a call! They're great people."

"I suppose you're right. I kind of wanted to get a magic kitty, though." The woman sighed as she stood, slipping the card into a bag festooned with badges in sky-blue, pink, and white.

"You will." The Summoner smiled down at a translucent spectral kitten at the woman's feet that looked up at her with luminous round eyes, following its human around in spirit while patiently waiting for her to come find it. "All cats are magic."

#Microfiction #TootFic

@ljwrites this made me imagine my former cats, the ones I did end up adopting. In my head they're squabbling, 'coz they're siblings.

"Sib, did you summon the new humans yet?"
"Eh, I was gonna, but then I saw a skippy thing."
"Siiiib! Go do the summoning thing nooow!"
"OK, I will, in a second, look at this thing! It's so jumpy!" *runs away chasing a bug*

Ugh, I should've labeled them with dog as well. 😅

My life contains multitudes 

So where did all the extra experience come in? Well, in Sweden we've got what I could only describe as a dog version of a country club, but it's not fancy. It's called a brukshundsklubb and pretty much every municipality has their ow. It's usually a house and a plot of land out in the forest somewhere, they'd offer puppy courses, agility courses, host different events, and much much more.

It's always, something that's very common in Sweden, a "förening", which I guess technically would translate to union, but more like a club house, but because of Swedish bylaws and stuff, you kind of run it like a non-profit but without a lot of the legal overhead. Anyone can start a förening. It's a bit thing. I think that's why we're so into praxis in Sweden. 😅

But let's make this easier on us, and can it the Dog Club (it would be hilarious to call it the Dog Country Club though, because of some of the meaning for bruk, but brukshund generally translates to domestic dog, which doesn't sound right to me. 😅 Moving on). Obviously with our first dog we went to a puppy course and I remember being with my mom there bored and restless our of my mind any time we had to sit inside and do an the theory crap instead of being outside working with our dog, how no one realized that I had adhd at that age, or any age is still beyond me!

While I didn't really absorb in a way I would understand everything I learnt at that age, I did absorb a lot of the knowledge, not so much the theory but the activities. As you can imagine a 13-14 year old can't really take in and contextualize everything in the way a grownup would. To my surprised though it has lodged itself in me brain in such a way that I've kept building on top of this knowledge over time, and now I house a databank I didn't even know I had, because it's been packed away for years due to a period of severe memory loss 6 years ago, and while I refer to it as memory loss, it was more the my brain shut off access because it wasn't absolutely essential for my survival anymore. I keep getting to open new packages with knowledge I had forgotten I possess. Thus I contain multitudes that I'm not even aware of anymore.

Show thread

My life contains multitudes 

Let me tell you about some recent examples of this, mostly because they are fun to share and kind of surprised me too.

My experience working with dogs, while I've never done it in any professional settings, and always ended up doing it while I was on long term sick leave, or should be but the system is fucked up, I still managed to get a lot of experience through the years me and my mom had our first dog.

She was first my mom's dog, then later my dog, for various reasons, but basically she'd been at my place for a week while I was home from work because I had burned out (this was my first official burnout, at 19 years old). When that week was up, over the phone with my mom I started crying and asked if she could stay. I didn't want her to leave, because her by my side was so uplifting while I was feeling so so terrible. And she helped me leave the house, she'd cuddle with me etc. I had someone else than myself to focus on. This must've been early 2006.

So she stayed, and became mine, helped me slowly with through my burnout. It was my first burnout, but definitely not my last over the next 3 years, as the system kept forcing me back out to work. The one constant was this dog by my side.

My mom was also on longterm sick leave because of an accident in my teenage years, and because Sweden had done away what was called disability pension (sjukpensionär), basically when they recognize that you are too disabled to go back into the workforce ever again, so she was just along me with long term sick leave, unable to work without getting really sick again.

We'd go out in the snow with the dogs in the early morning, the white snow making it much brighter than it actually was. I hated that she dragged me out of bed before 8am, but she told me that I could rest again when I got home, and I'm grateful that she did that then. I'd come home and nap with the dog in bed.

Show thread

@Curator #MicroFiction #TootFic #ShortStory #CuratorPrompts

"Can you turn white and purple and blend amidst the wisteria?"
"No, because I'm--"
"Alright, then, an easier one: can you turn brown and hide on one of these tree trunks?"
"No! Because I'm--"
"But you *can* turn a deeper green and hide within the foliage in this glasshouse, right?"
"NO! BECAUSE I'M NOT A FRIGGING CHAMELEON! I'M A LIZARD! A *LIZARD*!"

My life contains multitudes 

I've spent so many years of my life too sick to live it, yet I keep remembering some of the amazing things I've accomplished through the years, or at things I've tried to do, or participated in. And it's a lot.

Drafting, about content warnings 

This is going to be a way for me to draft some thoughts about content warning without too much pressure on myself, first post will be public, rest will be locked, so if you want to read them you probably want to follow. Eventually I'll finalize and edit and put it on my blog and probably on medium. Here we go:

I keep dreading writing this particular piece, but since the recent influx of new people on the fediverse (Mastodon to some), it's more relevant than ever.

This text/article isn't going to be as much about best practices for what to put behind a content warning, since this can vary widely between different communities and individual people, but rather it's going to explore some of the reasons they can be incredibly useful to someone like me.

It's probably going to be described in a personal way, but I'm hoping it can help some of my friends understand that they can help me save spoons (the metaphorical ones, from Spoon Theory) by providing CWs.

I'm also hoping to reflect on some recent conversations I've had, without calling anyone out. It's more about learning and gaining new perspective, than anything else.

Comments on this thread are still welcome, but I'm not looking to discuss things while I'm writing, but feel free to discuss things with each other in the thread nonetheless, I probably will just not join in.

Hoping these stats will improve after 3 months where I've had trouble writing. Like, don't get me wrong in still writing regularly, I just occasionally wish it was more, but I'm also accepting that my disabilities do get in the way. See recent thread about it.

@weirdwriter 's guide to Mastodon for writers and readers should be helpful for lovers of words navigating the fedi, and I appreciated the WriteOut shoutout, too! blindjournalist.wordpress.com/

All the tricks in the book 

This has been a thing for a while, mostly because undiagnosed for so many years, and then the chronic illness, and then the undiagnosed and untreated hypothyroidism, how I've always had to find a way to trick myself to do anything. I'm doing it right now, with this very post, and before even writing this I filled today out as having written, so I would have to write in order to not lie to myself. (In that color coded writing tracker I just showed earlier)

So, it's not new to me, and I think a lot of us have to trick ourself to somehow fit into the mold of this hypercapitalist society, where our only value is measured through how much value we can produce. We use tricks and bribery to get ourselves out of bed, out of the house, through our 12hours shift.

While it's helping me write, I will also resent myself for doing this, so why do I keep doing it? I don't quite know. I think I'll have to keep exploring this after some sleep. At least I wrote today, even though I'm in bed.

Hoping these stats will improve after 3 months where I've had trouble writing. Like, don't get me wrong in still writing regularly, I just occasionally wish it was more, but I'm also accepting that my disabilities do get in the way. See recent thread about it.

Covid-19, ableism, death, and apparently a poem 

I feel like a prepper, when I tell my friends that I'm still shielding, that is not safe to go out without a mask.

They respond by telling me that they are following the governments guidelines.
I know and that's a part of the problem.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs "that isn't enough!",

All of us who are at risk of getting more sick if we catch covid,
or who caught covid
and now have long-covid,
or those of us who caught it
and died,
our screams go unheard
we are now part of the millions missing.

I was screaming at my mom when we finally called
I was so angry, and so sad,
all at the same time.
I was screaming at her,
even though I knew I wasn't angry at her.
I was finally letting it out, all the bottled up pain and fear I've been carrying now for nearly two years.

I feel like I'm the boy crying wolf
when I'm asking them to wear a mask around me,
or I explain that no I've not been back home yet.
Yes, I moved over two years ago.
No, the pandemic isn't over.

How do I tell you that it's not safe
when the government bodies we're taught to trust
are telling us you can go out again.
You can see your friends and have a drink in a closed bar.
You can fly without a mask, in a closed air tank, 10 thousand feet off the ground.
Up there where you're just circulating every little drop of air.

I just watch on in despair, as they throw off their masks and cheer, on that very same plane.

This wasn't meant to be a poem,
But I'm just screaming,
Every day, inside,
The pain is so intense, I just want you to understand.

I want you to understand that wearing a mask will still save lives.
I want you to understand that I can't go out.
I want you to understand the burden we have to carry,
when you head back out excited to share the air with people who don't need to take tests anymore.
That every day watching you, it hurts us.
It hurts us because our babies catch covid and the old and immunocompromized we care for catch covid, because you stopped wearing a mask.
Because the government said so.

I'm the mad one.

Writing with adhd, brain fog and other disabilities 

Both my adhd, and autism especially when overstimulated, will play into the brain fog, as do bad pain days. These things aren't working in solitude, but rather overlap and connect and disconnect me.

Since my brain is already severely burned out from so many different things over the years it often slips back into protection mode. And even seemingly smaller things will set me off. Like today I had a very lovely chat with a friend on Zoom (shut up), while I was also trying to help him set up some stuff on his computer (through remote control), and a little bit after 1hr I started feeling bad, and then when we couldn't stop talking because was were having a lovely time, we reached about 1.5 hours, and my brain was ready to shut down (don't feel bad when you read this), so I needed to go take a nap. I don't particularly feel like I can sit down and write anything right now, but I've still added a few paragraphs to this, because writing it in Tusky and publishing it to Mastodon/the Fediverse takes some of the burden off.

I know that I often end up spreading myself out too thin, because I'm a golden retriever puppy that wants to do "all the things!". This effects writing and it effects other things in my life too.

But hopefully I can keep it up here over the next little while.

--
Sign off, if you like my writing feel free to check out my GoFundMe, gofundme.com/f/help-me-out-of- or my Ko-fi ko-fi.com/maloki/

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Write Out

A small instance for writers.

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